first of may: in faery lands forlorn

I met a lady in the meads,
Full beautiful—a faery’s child,
Her hair was long, her foot was light,
And her eyes were wild.

from "La Belle Dame Sans Merci", John Keats

All from my flickr.

waking up to you

a mess of hair
and sleepy limbs
sprawled across the bed
tangled in the sheets

i trace constellations
in the freckles on your back
your lukewarm skin
soft beneath my fingers

sun rays slip into
our secret hiding place
through the blinds
illuminating

heavy-lidded eyes
grey and brown
like the trunk of the tree
in my backyard

you mouth
sweet nothings into my neck
your murmurs resonating
in my very core

a hand splayed
over the dazed thrum of my heart
and your lips meet mine
in a sighing kiss

liddell tales

He saw her once, and in the glance

A moment's glance of meeting eyes,

His heart stood still in sudden trance

He trembled with a sweet surprise-

All in the waning light she stood

The star of perfect womanhood

That summer eve his heart was light

With lighter step he trod the ground

And life was fairer in his sight

And music was in every sound

He blessed the world where there could be

So beautiful a thing as she

There once again, as evening fell

And stars were peering overhead,

Two lovers met to bid farewell:

The western sun gleamed faint and red

Lost in a drift of purple cloud

That wrapped him like a funeral shroud

Long time the memory of that night-

The hand that clasped, the lips that kissed,

The form that faded from his sight

Slow sinking through the tearful mist -

In dreamy music seemed to roll

Through the dark chambers of his soul.

from "The Three Sunsets", Lewis Carroll

All from my flickr.

meet me in our secret place

I can't even fathom how much I miss England, London, Leeds.
For whatever reason I thought it would be a good idea to look through my old photos, and I found them (is it considered finding when you know exactly where to look?) in a folder hidden inside a folder hidden inside another folder, so as not to accidentally come across it while searching for something else in the maze that is my hard-drive.
Suddenly I find it hard to breathe, like my chest is about to cave in any second now, a knot tightening inside my stomach, palms starting to sweat, memories flooding and flowing through my mind; I try my best not to grasp, cling, hold onto them. Ride it out. Just let them slip away. I find myself wondering if my eyes have changed since then, and I realize that my finger suddenly feels light, empty; there used to be a ring on it, always, and now it feels wrong, and I'm starting to panic, and the more I think about it, the worse it feels, and I'm just about ready to chop it off to get rid of this phantom sensation, and my heart aches; it misses, it longs, it craves.

Somewhere on a bench in Hyde Park, our initials are carved.

It's not even so much that I miss him, but the places, the feelings, the lightness of it all, the vividness, the safety, feeling at home. I haven't thought about any of this in so long, so long, and it's overwhelming, and I find myself wondering if I'll ever experience anything like it, ever again. A life where nothing and everything mattered, with no tomorrow to worry about, a calm place to rest, a shelter from the storm, a home. I swore never again, but what does that matter, anyway?

(I knew this wasn't a good idea.)

Jag har varit i alla städer

The last couple of days have been easier, lighter; though hardly without trouble.

This morning was simply perfect; I had a cup of tea and read the latest part of a particularly intriguing Sherlock fanfic (here on LJ for those who care), while the sun peeked through my blinds and the birds were singing. I'm feeling.. a sense of peace, perhaps?

Now I'm reading Eliot's The Waste Land, while the breeze from my window is tickling my bare feet.

Oh spring, how I have missed thee!

I will only let you down, but my door is always open..

Spent most of the night bawling over Sherlock fanfics.

I find myself longing for someone to lay next to, someone to keep me from nightmares, someone who will hold my hand to calm me when I'm anxious, and whisper sweet nothings in my ear as we're falling asleep. Someone to wake up next to, sunlight pouring in through the blinds, and into my heart. Someone to keep me safe. For now, I'll put on my biggest flannel shirt and curl up in bed, just trying to breathe, hoping to dream of better things.

I hate intimacy, but it's far worse having nothing at all, sometimes.

#Making a Sherlock/John fanmix.

end of march

Today is the last day of March, which means tomorrow is April and spring is just around the bend. And hopefully spring will bring new, exciting things! Even if it doesn't, it fills my heart with light and every day is just a little bit easier to get through. I will be happier.

This morning seems like a bad dream to me now.

in the sun, in the sun

Today I went into town, just to get out of the house for a while, and I spent a while sitting in a café, drinking tea and reading The Great Gatsby. Did a little bit of shopping too, I found this absolutely lovely straw hat with a lace ribbon! And I finally got a boyfriend blazer, I've been wanting one for years. I feel a little bit like an English school girl in these pictures, haha.

When I got home, my beloved floral rucksack had finally reached me! I got it on ebay, and it is perfect (despite being a little small). Happiness!

The weather was nice; really sunny, though very windy.

O, bright star.

Sometimes things are so beautiful it hurts.

My heart is heavy today and I want only the most beautiful, saddest things in this world.
A deep voice whispering the loveliest of poems, the soft clinking of a piano, butterflies fluttering their final wing-beats, never-ending letters, a man resting in the crown of a tree as if floating in the clouds, wild flowers and wide fields, the very purest of loves.

I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for.

Songs on repeat:
♥ Daphne by Lia Ices (ft Justin Vernon)
♥ Love Out Of Lust by Lykke Li
♥ On The Nature of Daylight by Max Richter
♥ Come By Storm by Laura Gibson

Toská

....— Vladimir Nabokov

Stan är full av tanter och tragik

Today is the Spring Equinox and I said a little prayer; the sky is blue and the snow is melting and it's starting to feel just a little bit lighter.

I am wanting, longing. I want adventures, staying up all night telling secrets, running down the streets of Gothenburg, picnics in the park, Håkan Hellström, scraped knees and sunlight on my face. I miss having a best friend like her. Life was always good with her; everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. We had each other, we were like sisters, and I miss that closeness.

I miss having a life.

Den här gången kanske världen förstår oss..

(These are my ghosts, the spaces amid love.)

I'm in a terribly nostalgic, or maybe sad, mood today.
It's one of those grey days, somewhere between winter and spring, and all you want to do is curl up underneath the covers with someone and watch films all day, whisper secrets and snuggle. One of those days when all I want is someone that will make me laugh. I want to read but I feel restless and like none of the books I have would do. I must have twenty unread books, yet I always want more. It's a good sadness, compared to other days.

Maybe all I need is nutella and a film. It's worth a try.

I'm wide awake, it's morning

(Me in my room, on the new webcam)

So I got my laptop yesterday! I'm excited because now I can sit in bed and be on the computer at the same time; it's a whole new world for me. And I bought some skins for it, which should be coming next week or so, and then my laptop can be cute, too ^___^

Mostly I'm just on tumblr all the time.

As for other things, I finally have my bangs going on, and I got some cute clothes this week! I'm gonna try to take some more lookbook shots.. The weather's just been so boring, but hopefully spring is just around the bend.

Oh, and who saw the Oscars? Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law was, I felt, the high point of the evening; I wish they could host it some year! And I was really pleased with most winners, especially Natalie Portman for Black Swan, of course. Also, some of the red carpet dresses were just stunning! I particularly liked Hailee Steinfeld, she looked absolutely adorable.

Time for bed. x

♥ i was made for you

Don't look back

Shirt: H&M's.
Skirt & ring: Lindex.
Shoes: Björn Borg.

(Happy birthday to me! 21 years old.)

Valentine's day

"Have you ever been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love."
— Neil Gaiman

When I was a kid, Valentine's day meant chocolates and cheesy movies. Before my ex, I swore it was a stupid tradition and it was invented to make money. Then when I was with my ex, we'd go out for a romantic dinners and we'd give each other gifts. One year we had, actually accidentally, given each other the exact same presents--a teddybear, a box of chocolates and a mix cd (although I made a tape, of course). Everything was cheesy and dandy like in the movies I grew up watching. And now, I don't know. It does make me feel alone, and it probably was invented to make money, and maybe I would rather have a lover to spend it with, but today I am content with having a date with cake and Inigo Montoya, i.e. I'll be watching The Princess Bride. ♥___♥

How I feel about love is an entirely different matter.

dream a little dream of me

Listening to She & Him all day. ♥

dream party

You, me & tea. by Alaska Lee

My dream party would be in a big garden full of flowers with lights and lanterns hanging from the trees, and there would be wizard cakes and all kinds of yummy treats. It'd be a tea party (only maybe we'd be drinking wine.. too) and it'd be girls only, and we'd all wear pretty dresses and cute hats and golden shoes. We'd dance into the dawn and the party would end running barefoot across fields to watch the sunset, you know, like in Marie Antoinette. The soundtrack would be amazing too, with Lykke Li, She & Him, The Velvet Underground, and lots of 50's and 60's pop.

Inspired by Monki magazine.

a longing

‎

"You felt no reality, no knife of sorrow cut your intestines to bits. Only a weariness,
a longing for a shoulder to sleep on, and a pair of arms to curl up in." Sylvia Plath

words were trees of brown, of gold

♥ Eet by Regina Spektor
♥ Fools Rush In by The Morning Benders
♥ The Onliest by Feist
♥ Battle Scars by Daniel Fincannon
♥ The Air Your Breathe... by Lovers
♥ Blue Skies by Noah & the Whale
♥ Postcards From Italy by Beirut
♥ Om Nashi Me by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros
♥ A Friend Indeed by Marla Hansen
♥ Come By Storm by Laura Gibson
♥ Let's Trade Skins by Great Lake Swimmers

A little mix for you.

dust

Xanthe left me. I found out her new address,
and returned the kettle she had left behind.
The next day I took her a book she had lent
me. I found a box of hairgrips, and delivered
one each day. If she wasn't home I would
post it with a long letter explaining how I had
found it on the floor. When I had returned
them all, I took her, on the tip of my finger, a
tiny ball of dust. 'I remember seeing it fall
from your dress one afternoon,' I said. 'The
pretty one, with the flowers on it.'.

from Anthropology, by Dan Rhodes.

home is whenever i'm with you

"While you were sitting in the backseat smoking a cigarette you thought was going to be your last, I was falling deep, deeply in love with you, and I never told you until just now"

I wish for spring and creativity; sunlight illuminating everything.
I want to surround myself only with pretty things; lace, flowers, skeleton keys, pictures of places far away, light, bird song, floral prints, words, cotton candy pink, dreamy music, green grass and trees in bloom. Everything would come naturally and I would be creating again.

Sometimes I even wish for a boy to lose myself in.

anonymous poem

There is a bottle of pills inside my stomach.
I should know; I put them there.
I put them there to make me die.
That way I won’t have to think.
About deadened silence.
And raging storms.
That’s what I tell myself, anyway.
Maybe the true answer lies buried,
hidden there,
amongst the things,
In the closet of my mind.

Full poem here.

dear darkness.

Winter never ends. It just goes on and on--I wish someone would come along and melt the ice, and my heart, too. I want to see the world with fresh eyes; wake up and feel the sun on my face and life in my body, with the possibility to do anything. I want spring, I want inspiration, I want love.
There's an aching in my bones, an emptiness inside me, and as I wake up, I dread the hours of the day, to survive and live to see tomorrow, which will be the same as today, and the day before. Everything is heavy.

Things I want to do:
♥ Start exercising and eating better; lose weight.
♥ Create more--moleskine pages, drawing  and painting.
♥ Take more photos with my disposable camera.
♥ Go visit my brother up north.